Letter from fg, on Valentine’s Day 1972

[There is a race to the finish between the chemicals in the ink of the pen fg had used to write me, and my eyesight, made worse by–like it or not–computers.  So, while the ink is readable, and my eyes can still see the words, here’s another letter, which I had meant to post last Valentine’s Day, but was unable to.  Although fg always mockingly scoffed at the observance of holidays like V-Day, he was always the first to buy me a gift on that day.  His first V-Day gift to me on February 1962 was an expensive white wicker handbag with a cover of mustard-colored suede–the height of fashion then.  Actually, fg’s salary as operator of the Listening Center wasn’t that big, but I never knew him to stint on anything, esp. on gifts.  So, fg, where you are, consider this as my belated Valentine’s Day gift to you–]

1:35 A.M. Feb. 14, 1972

Dearest,

I’m very sorry I was not able to write you last night or Fri. night.  Due to time pressure on Fri. I rushed to school w/ but a cup of chocolate for breakfast and w/ a lunch late at 5 p.m. when I finally found time to eat.  So I came home tired and down w/ headache at 8 p.m.  The headache could’ve incipiently started the night of Thurs.

Then yesterday I came home at 7 p.m. exhausted and still w/ a bad cold.  So after preparing my supper w/ a heavy head and eating it w/ gusto though, I settled in bed to rest or sleep.  I slept, but I was awakened irritated by a loud quarrel betw. a husband & wife on the 3rd or 2nd floor.  I couldn’t go back to sleep and yet I couldn’t get up to write as my cold was awful.  So I read the Sun. Bull. aimlessly until about 4:30 a.m. at w/c time I drowsed.  The whole day of Sunday I did surgery until 7 p.m. and then came home.  After supper at 10 p.m. I settled to watch the Bold Ones [in those days, ‘bold’ meant brave and didn’t have the connotation it has today–epd], but I fell asleep.  I got up past midnight, feeling rested altho’ my nose is still clogged like the polluted Sn. Juan river, and my back is tender.  But I do dislike the possibility of not being able to write you even just once a wk. at the least, esp. when I get good letters from you.

In connection with your last letter, let me say this first.  If you can afford it, go ahead to buy rug for the sala-dining room at least.  The price of P8.90/sq. ft. is much tho’.  The sala-dining space is about 125 sq. ft. and should cost about P1112.00. [A princely sum in ‘72, when we got P400/month as family allowance for me and our 4 children, supplemented by the amount that fg sent me of $100.  Since the exchange rate then was P6:$1, P600 + P400 came to P1,000, enabling us to live comfortably.  A market allowance of P50/week bought shrimps, meats, vegetables and fruits.–epd]   If you’ve the money and should you decide, try shopping around to find out if there are no other more reasonably priced ones.  I know somewhere in Makati on the South Super highway to Bats. there is a rug manufacturer w/c I noticed once on our way to Bats.  You don’t have to go to that remote place by any means; but since there is at least one manufacturer over there, prices must not be that much.  It is all up to you to decide.  If only we’ve some $475 or P3000 now, you can consider putting rugs too in the bedrooms & hallway, so that everything looks uniform and neat.  P3000 is a lot of money tho’.  So I’m not good for advice this time.

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I remember that short story I wrote when I stayed briefly w/ Ati Pie & Kokang.  The main character laid down to compartmentalize himself into various interrelated entities, over all of w/c his head should reign supreme as it should.  He began then to realize that he is the very master and god of himself.  He has at best the ultimate power to control his own destiny.  He had nothing to fear from then on.  But he also realized that the head can only control supremely by reason and clear-mindedness.  Rationalizations should be recognized.  Logic must flourish.  For self-control can only go on w/ honest reasoning w/c can deduce the right choices for future good ends.

I don’t necessarily identify w/ that character who is a creature of fiction.  But I can see his point.  I may not be as effective as he is in carrying around his whole body in an organized and well-governed system.  But I wish I can be as well-planned as he is.  And I like to believe I had willed the lucks I had had, that LC [Listening Center] was more than an accident or was not a mere resultant of boredom, urges and whatnot.  The same factors could’ve eventuated to N____ during my English days when I stayed over nights in the Dept. once in a while and R______ & E__ or whoever were there.  Or to C_____, to B___, to others.  It was all a deliberate choice, so well taken that should I start once more I could but end up at the LC.  And of course my shift to Psychology was planned.  During my whole year at the LC I was mapping out my future against my past.  Looking now back, things have happened as I envisioned them then.  Not quite.  I never distinctly envisioned the fate of Fevi; but I always then felt that it might not be too remote a thing to happen to me that a loved one would pass away to give me another painful intimacy with death.

Take care.  I don’t feel wishing you love on this very day of Valentine, as I feel it will be unoriginal for me to do so.  So I take today as just another day, w/c it is.  And as another day, I send to you and our kids my deepest love and most care, as I have always done to you for over 3650 days now.  If the future will be as I map it, it cannot be less than the past.  In fact, my plan is made for the better.  Life is w/ 3 billions of complications multiplied by desires, greed and mischance.  But it is not unusual to simplify it by manifold power.  After all there are human and natural laws to begin w/.  And 3 billions of interests look up to laws in general.

Send my regards to everybody.  I know in time of great needs it is better to send goods than regards & wishes; but the human spirit is always hungry for good wishes, especially when goods are scarce to come by.  I wish I were rich to give others something other than regards.  Unfortunately, my choice has long been made and it won’t lead to richness more than we need to live on reasonably.  Love, fg