September 13, 1967
My dearest:
It’s a quarter to 8 and I’m in the library, wondering what time it is there now, what you are doing and feeling, and thinking. We have no class in English 199 so I’m free to write you. I intended to do this last night but I was so tired and I felt it would be presenting my worst to you if I did write.
This marks the 5th day that I shall live without you, even for the time being. How I wish that it were already February, and yet I also wish for more time to do my incompletes and study for my exams. So it’s like this when you are gone. Everything is so deadly tedious, and if I were not studying, I would have tired myself out working at home so I could — if not really forget — put my mind to things other than you.
Boboy misses you so much. I just haven’t the heart to scold him because I know that his irritableness is also a sign that he is longing for you. The night of the 8th [when you left], I woke up to find him crying at the foot of the bed where Fevi and I were sleeping, and asking you for milk. He kept me awake as he used to do you. He drank milk and kept asking for you. The morning of the 9th, while we were eating (we had not yet left for Pampanga), the newspaper arrived. Boboy got it and said that he would give it to you when you arrived. That night, at Pampanga, the two of us sat upstairs, alone, and chatted together. He kept asking what took you so long, also ‘Bakit hindi natin salubong Daddy?’ and ‘Bakit saya [sara — Boboy was a month short of turning 3 years — epd] pinto?’ ‘ Saan?’ I asked and he said, ‘Sa airport’ so clearly that I laughed inspite of my tears. He also asked me ‘Bakit hindi ka sama Daddy?’ probably thinking that you were only going away to a place like Quiapo or Batangas. And yet he didn’t want to leave after your plane was not even a speck of light in the distance. [In those days, well-wishers were allowed to enter and go up to the roofdeck where we could see passengers crossing the tarmac to the airplane, and where we could stay and watch the plane take off.] He kept dreaming on the night of the 9th, at Pampanga.
As for Fevi, she doesn’t seem to be as concerned as Boboy, although I am not quite aware of what goes on in her mind. At the airport, Fevi wanted to leave even before you had boarded the plane. She said she was tired of standing up. She played all day long on the 9th with the kids at Pampanga, accumulating an armful of rubber bands. At night, dirty as she was, she insisted on seeing the free movie at the San Miguel bldg. On the 10th, Sunday, she went with the kids to the chapel. The biggest one in the group was Tiri [Delia, fg’s niece by his lone brother, Kuya Pepe].
I cried all night of the 8th, listening to Joan Baez’ “Ten Thousand Miles”. If you had seen me, you would have said ‘O.A.’ and laughed but then if you were here I would not have cried that much. At about 1 a.m. I was in bed but hardly had I lay down when I thought I heard your voice, so I cried again. Inay, too, said she couldn’t sleep that same night, thinking of you and thinking of us. [After coming home to UP from the airport, fg’s relatives together with our daughter Fevi went home to Pampanga. Boboy, Remy and I stayed at UP that night but went to Pampanga the next day, the 9th.] Most of those at the airport had cried, we who were supposed to be happy at your good fortune. Apung Luis [fg’s maternal grand-uncle] was at my side, and when your plane took off, he waved his hat in farewell. Back at our place, he asked for some plants, probably as souvenir. Inay went home with the group, but later said she was hesitant about leaving us. We didn’t go with them because Boboy was asleep and was even feverish that night. (He’s not been able to eat very well so I bought Vi-Daylin [vitamins] for him yesterday.)
The morning of the 9th we got ready to go to Pampanga. But first I took some shots of Boboy so I could remove the film from the camera. Fevi didn’t want to have her picture taken, then changed her mind later when all the shots had been used up. At the Philippine Rabbit bus station [then in Avenida, as Rizal Ave. was called] Boboy didn’t want to ride in an old bus, but it so happened all the buses were old, so we had to make do.
Next day, I went to Angeles [fg’s sister Ate Ely, Elisa G. David, was working at Dr. Roque’s hospital there. Before he left, fg arranged for me to just deliver there so Ate Ely could look after me. So I had prenatal checkups there.] and got a little confused, because the bus took a different route. I retraced my steps after I had walked some 3 or 4 blocks, and went back to the place where I had alighted. It turned out I shouldn’t have crossed, because I had already alighted on the street where International Cafe is located, and that street leads directly to Doctors’ Hospital. Anyway, I had myself checked up. The foetus, so said Dr. Roque, is already in a cephalic or normal position. It had turned all by itself. Ate Pie [fg’s older sister, Agripina D. Cervantes, who was also pregnant at the time, and would also deliver at the same hospital] also arrived while I was there. She said she’s going to pay for your suit [which was being sewn by Manalang, fg’s favorite tailor in Pampanga] and send it by air parcel. When I was objecting, she insisted on it. That afternoon, she hired a jeepney to take us all to Manila because it was difficult to get seats in the regular buses.
Monday, the 11th, back at UP I returned the library books you had borrowed and cleaned out your drawer and cabinet at the Department [Psychology, then located at the College of Education]. And would you believe it? We found a P20 bill [then a substantial amount -our weekly marketing for our family of 5, including the help] inside that locked drawer. Evelynne [Domingo] and Vic V. [Vitug] [both were Psych students at the time] kept laughing. I was so surprised. I treated Vina [fg’s niece by his oldest sister, Ate Maring, or Maria D. Herrera], Fevi and Remy [who had helped me with the numerous books - 2 big paper bags] at the Ed. canteen. Boboy was sleeping at home with his Lola [Ines, fg’s mother].
Inay is sending you her regards. We talk of almost no one but you. [When fg left, he asked his mother, who up to then had been living with Ate Maring, to stay with us at UP until the time we’d leave.] Vic [Vitug, a Psych student whose hobby was photography] gave me 2 pictures he took of you. One was taken at a poetry reading, the other while you were teaching in class.
Do write me. As I go home from the library, I keep imagining that you would come and say, ‘tara’ [kapampangan for let’s go], but always, I find I’m alone.
Ethel
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