A week ago from today I sat in front of this very same computer and received the call I have been dreading all my life. From the moment I could remember I know you tried your best to prepare me for this eventuality, but I guess unlike the other aspects of my life this was one you could never really prepare me for.
I have lost count of the number of times I quietly wept while trying to go to sleep, from my earliest childhood memories onwards, thinking I might lose you at any day. Throughout every milestone of my life it is one thing I distinctly remember doing. And yet now that it has come I still cry harder than I ever could have imagined I would.
We would walk every evening around the Campus — the Campus you loved so dearly and so I learned to love as well — and share all your simplest thoughts and memories. And I, from the very first would listen with rapt attention knowing that those pearls you dropped would guide me for the rest of my life. I knew I would be a doctor though I never really remember you asking me to — that’s how strong a bond I felt we had. Maybe it matured me too early on, but it never really bothered me. I just wanted to perform well because I knew it would make you happy, and knowing that was the greatest feeling in the world.
Though I tried and succeeded fairly well at doing what I felt you wanted or expected from me, I know there were moments that I would not exactly call the proudest in my life. Like any child growing up I had my lapses, but somehow your example always guided me back to the right path.
I know that in recent times we have lost the opportunity to talk as much as we used to, and conversations have become more mundane and taken on new tones, but I know that our bond never really wavered. I am still the child who keeps all your words dear to my heart, the one who still thinks about what you would do in any particular situation before acting, the person who tries to treat everyone with respect just because those were the things that defined you. I know how much I pale in comparison, because unfortunately for me I never really got your temperament and innate goodness, but I really hope you know how much I tried. I am where I am simply because of you.
My one regret is that I never really told you that. Though I know you somehow felt it, it pains me that I did not ever quite verbalize it. I guess that’s the problem with bonds and heart connections, sometimes you leave it all up to its own devices to make it known. Maybe some part of me took it for granted, maybe because I felt not up to task to putting my feelings into words. Unlike you I lacked the gift to let words flow forth and capture the minutest emotions of my soul. I was afraid that what you would hear from me would lack the texture, the depth, and the breadth that your words seemed to carry with them. But now I ask for your indulgence and let me say it without much imagination or creativity — I love you my dearest Dad. You will always be the Polaris in my night sky.
